The Las Vegas Chronicles, Part II

Where was I?  Ah yes, as I recall I was busy getting comped at Caesar's...
(Wayne and Garth flashback transition) diddlee-do diddlee-do diddlee-do

I was having a night of firsts.  I took the first shower in 7 months not having to wear shoes.  It was also the first shower in that long that the water didn't sting my eyes.  After my shower I had the first opportunity to see myself in a mirror.  Not to say we don't have mirrors in Afghanistan, but we don't have full-length mirrors or the opportunity to strut around in front of said mirrors without a bunch of other guys wondering what the heck you are doing humming "I'm too sexy" while shaking your groove thang.  Regardless, this was the first time I was able to actually see what the loss of 40 pounds looks like on me.  You heard right, I have lost 40 pounds while on this deployment.  To describe myself as a sexy beast is an understatement.  The new Superfly 2.0

I know, I know, just when you thought I couldn't get any hotter, I go and do this...AND TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF!  If nothing else, Afghanistan is great for losing weight.  I mean, how can you not get in better shape with opportunities with women like this:

 

Time to move.  I got my game face on and made my way to the casino floor to enjoy my first drink in months.  My buddies back in The Suck and I would often discuss this moment, and all too often they would tell me I should take it easy when I get back, that my tolerance may not be what it used to be.  Hogwash!  I'm a sailor, AND Polish...a deadly machine of drinking power!!! 

After a couple sips of Zima I was walking around the casino floor with a lampshade on my head when I bumped into a couple in their 30s (a white guy and an asian woman *ethnicity important in a moment).  Now, if you haven't been, everyone in Vegas is friendly and approachable.  It's the only place I've been where complete strangers will talk with you and you don't wonder when they are going to walk away.  I soon find out that the couple is not a couple, just two friends in Vegas from Canada.

"You're from Canada?"  I ask.  "So am I!"

"Really, what part?"

"Buffalo, NY."  We all laugh.

     *Author's Note- If you don't get this joke, you clearly have never been to Buffalo.  Please see a map for reference.

"Are you a fan of the Sabres?"  The woman asks.

"Yes! Are you a fan of taking pictures all the time?"

     *Author's Note- If you get this joke then you can only be from Buffalo.  Clearly she wasn't from Buffalo.

We all end up at a nearby lounge with them buying me drinks because I'm a war hero (my words not theirs).  Eventually the guy walks away and just the woman and I are talking.  She tells me she is actually 40 and she LOVES white guys.  * Author's Note- At this point I know where this is going but you don't yet so keep reading.  She explains that she never got married but always wanted a kid.  "Wow," I say, "that would be really tough on your own."  She goes on to tell me that she would love it if her kid grew up to look like me.  *Author's Note- The following has happened to me on three other occasions, believe it or not!  Here it comes... she says, "would you be interested in helping me have a baby?"  Now, I'm a witty guy and considering this is not the first time I have been asked, I'm ready with just the right answer.  "Can you hold my Zima?  I have to use the bathroom."  I took off to my room and never came back down *Author's Note- I learned this trick from like 30 or 40 other girls.

So back in the room I decide to cross off one of the things on my to-do list...watch TV.  Why?  Because we don't have TV in Afghanistan.  In fact, there is no entertainment in Afghanistan whatsoever.

MEANWHILE, IN AFGHANISTAN:



Stay tuned for the next installment of the Las Vegas Chronicles!

From a Cave,

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